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5 Signs He’s Not the Guy For You
Is he committed to your relationship? Not if you’re seeing these red flags.
-Carolyn French
When it comes to relationships, the Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin, summed it up best. It all boils down to one very important thing: R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
As any good couples therapist will tell you, the “R-word” is crucial for a serious, committed relationship; without it, you’re on a dead-end road. How do you know which direction you’re headed in? When it comes right down to it, his actions almost always speak louder than his words.
Here, five signs your guy may not be in it for the long haul:
1. He’s not thinking about the future.
Planning ahead, or at least having some general goals, is the key to a stable and satisfying life, as well as a stable and satisfying relationship.
“Most people go into a relationship with some idea of what they want out of it,” explains Minneapolis-based relationship expert Cami Zimmer. “In order for a relationship to be satisfying, partners must set clear goals that both partners can agree on.”
And those goals don’t have to be all about you or the relationship to be illuminating. For example, if your guy doesn’t seem to care about finding or hanging onto a decent job, or has no clue about where he wants to be in 10 years, chances are a serious, long-term relationship isn’t on his to-do list, either.
2. He goes MIA on special occasions.
When you’re a couple, certain events — birthdays, anniversaries, career-related events — require extra attention.
It’s no secret that guys can be forgetful creatures (though ask any man when World Series tickets are going on sale and he’ll probably rattle off the exact time and date in two seconds flat), but you shouldn’t have to remind him twice when your birthday is – or worry that he won’t show up when he promised to escort you to a super important work event.
“Missing things every once in a while is fine, but when it happens all the time, it means that his priorities don't include you,” says Zimmer.
3. He enjoys keeping you guessing.
When it comes to being secure in your relationship, a little reassurance goes a long way. From offering up his plans without being asked, to calling just to say hi, sometimes it’s the simplest things that give us the most confidence in our significant other.
But if you find that you’re wondering what he’s up to on a regular basis — he gets vague whenever you ask, or you feel like you have to play 20 Questions just to get a straight answer — you’re probably right to start wondering just how far you can trust him.
“It’s not usually the big things that come between a couple and make closeness dissipate; it’s the lack of communication on the little things that build, getting bigger and bigger until the relationship starts to fizzle,” says Zimmer. “Relationships are all about give and take.”
4. His generosity — financially and otherwise — leaves a lot to be desired.
These days it’s usually a good sign when your guy is careful with his money. But there’s a big difference between cautious and stingy — especially when that stinginess seems to play a larger-than-life role in your relationship.
We all have different beliefs about money, but when you’re part of a couple it’s important to establish a healthy open dialogue regarding financial matters. If he doesn’t think twice about splurging on a fishing trip with the guys or buying himself that cool new gadget, but he regularly borrows your car without refilling the tank, or has to be coerced into taking you out to dinner at a nice restaurant, consider yourself warned: It’s time to talk — and maybe even walk.
“Money can't buy you love, but it sure can tear it apart,” says Zimmer. “Because talking about finances can be uncomfortable, many couples keep quiet about this important topic — which is a huge mistake.”
5. He prefers hanging out with his buddies.
Boys-only clubs typically lose their appeal by the age of 10. But straight males who insist on constantly running off with their male friends past the age of puberty are guaranteed to bring you heartache.
It’s healthy for men to want to occasionally spend time with their buddies, but when you find yourself left out in the cold on a regular basis, it’s hard not to feel like you’re competing for his attention.
“Give him an opportunity to explain himself and hear what he has to say,” proposes Zimmer. “Is it that the two of you don't have much in common? Suggest doing things together that he enjoys — or try to find some new common ground. But if it becomes clear that he’d rather be single and free than with you, it’s time to move on.”
Men can be fickle creatures, but don’t allow your feelings for them to overshadow what’s really going on. Take heed, and know when it’s time to let go.
Tell us: Do you find it hard to walk away from a bad relationship?
Carolyn French is an editorial assistant at BettyConfidential.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
Thought you'd like this 6 Reasons We Love, good article by Eric J. Leech
Thought you'd like this one too!
6 Reasons We Love Love
Its powers of strength
by Eric J. Leech
Love is no doubt one of the greatest feelings in the world, and if you have ever doubted its strengths, here are six reminders as to why it has been given such an important stature in our lives:
1. It Keeps Couples Faithful
While some may say love is blind, researchers at UCLA prefer to describe it as wearing blinders. The study looked at 120 heterosexual college students in a committed relationship. They were asked to describe their current relationship, and then rate a group of photos depicting very attractive members of the opposite sex. What they found was that students who described their relationship as loving, were six times less likely to rate a 'hottie' as attractive, and even more surprising, they seemed to pay more attention to the background of the photos, rather than the subject. Researchers think this could be related to our adaptation over the centuries to commit to one long-term partner, rather than straying as soon as the next best thing came along.
2. It Protects Our Hearts
Scientists at Yale University conducted a study surveying 119 men and 40 women, asking them about their current state of relationship and family, before being given a series of angiography (heart) tests. What researchers found was that participants who reported their lives as the most loving and supportive, were less likely to exhibit heart conditions (blockages, etc). While genetics, diet, and proper nutrition are undoubtedly important for maintaining a long, healthy life, it appears that maintaining strong intimate relationships may be just as important. If you (or a loved one) are currently suffering from a heart condition, perhaps it's time you look at your/their relationships for any sign of loneliness or social isolation.
3. It Protects Our Health
We've discussed how love effects the heart, but research also shows how much spending time with loved ones can affect our overall well-being. A study conducted by the University of Chicago, looked at the health of married, working men who either spent a lot of free time with their non-working wives, or had to juggle that time between her own full-time job. What was found was that men who enjoyed spending the most time with their wives, reported the best overall health. How much better? Research showed that men who spent significantly less time with their spouse saw their health drop about 25 percent below other men in the study. Is this study suggesting women shouldn't work? No. But it is saying we should prioritize whatever time we have to spend with our loved ones.
4. It Promotes Infinite Love
According to studies conducted at the U.C. Berkeley, sharing love with others makes us feel more loved through a chemical reaction in our brain. Whenever we smile, hug, or hold hands with a loved one, we are releasing the chemical oxytocin, which allows us the ability to connect with others on a very compassionate level. This connection makes it more likely we will continue to display this affection, thus perpetuating the shared feelings of love with those around us, over and over again. In other words, love others, and you will be loved.
5. It Is Important to Early Childhood Development
We have heard the importance of newborns being held and touched to survive, but many studies suggest that early moments of love and bonding between a newborn and mother decide a child's overall ability to love. Babies who do not experience a strong attachment to their mother within their first month or so, may be at a disadvantage in fostering a successful, loving relationship. Reason being, the connections in the brain and nervous system that enable us to love are developed early in life, so it is very important to give children lots of love now, so they can give and receive it later on. In addition, some research suggests that our first love experience shapes the way we look at love for the rest of our lives, or at least heavily influences it. So make your first one a good one.
6. It Is More Important Than Sex
Sex is not as big a part in relationships as some couples think. While some researchers claim love is nothing more than a sexual high stimulated by the release of chemicals in the brain, researchers at the University of New York claim that the brain indeed appears to perceive a difference between love and sex. Noting what portion of the brain was active when subjects were given a sexually stimulating photo, subjects were then given a photo of their partner, comparing the difference in brain activity. While a similar portion of the brain was activated while looking at a loved one, it was overlapped by an entirely different portion of the brain, suggesting a more complex (dare I say, important) connection. Love and romance indeed appear to be more important than some scientists give them credit for.
So let's hear it for love! It surrounds our lives, keeps us healthy, happy, faithful, protected, and able to connect and share this wonderful feeling with others. So, don't be stingy ... pass it on
6 Reasons We Love Love
Its powers of strength
by Eric J. Leech
Love is no doubt one of the greatest feelings in the world, and if you have ever doubted its strengths, here are six reminders as to why it has been given such an important stature in our lives:
1. It Keeps Couples Faithful
While some may say love is blind, researchers at UCLA prefer to describe it as wearing blinders. The study looked at 120 heterosexual college students in a committed relationship. They were asked to describe their current relationship, and then rate a group of photos depicting very attractive members of the opposite sex. What they found was that students who described their relationship as loving, were six times less likely to rate a 'hottie' as attractive, and even more surprising, they seemed to pay more attention to the background of the photos, rather than the subject. Researchers think this could be related to our adaptation over the centuries to commit to one long-term partner, rather than straying as soon as the next best thing came along.
2. It Protects Our Hearts
Scientists at Yale University conducted a study surveying 119 men and 40 women, asking them about their current state of relationship and family, before being given a series of angiography (heart) tests. What researchers found was that participants who reported their lives as the most loving and supportive, were less likely to exhibit heart conditions (blockages, etc). While genetics, diet, and proper nutrition are undoubtedly important for maintaining a long, healthy life, it appears that maintaining strong intimate relationships may be just as important. If you (or a loved one) are currently suffering from a heart condition, perhaps it's time you look at your/their relationships for any sign of loneliness or social isolation.
3. It Protects Our Health
We've discussed how love effects the heart, but research also shows how much spending time with loved ones can affect our overall well-being. A study conducted by the University of Chicago, looked at the health of married, working men who either spent a lot of free time with their non-working wives, or had to juggle that time between her own full-time job. What was found was that men who enjoyed spending the most time with their wives, reported the best overall health. How much better? Research showed that men who spent significantly less time with their spouse saw their health drop about 25 percent below other men in the study. Is this study suggesting women shouldn't work? No. But it is saying we should prioritize whatever time we have to spend with our loved ones.
4. It Promotes Infinite Love
According to studies conducted at the U.C. Berkeley, sharing love with others makes us feel more loved through a chemical reaction in our brain. Whenever we smile, hug, or hold hands with a loved one, we are releasing the chemical oxytocin, which allows us the ability to connect with others on a very compassionate level. This connection makes it more likely we will continue to display this affection, thus perpetuating the shared feelings of love with those around us, over and over again. In other words, love others, and you will be loved.
5. It Is Important to Early Childhood Development
We have heard the importance of newborns being held and touched to survive, but many studies suggest that early moments of love and bonding between a newborn and mother decide a child's overall ability to love. Babies who do not experience a strong attachment to their mother within their first month or so, may be at a disadvantage in fostering a successful, loving relationship. Reason being, the connections in the brain and nervous system that enable us to love are developed early in life, so it is very important to give children lots of love now, so they can give and receive it later on. In addition, some research suggests that our first love experience shapes the way we look at love for the rest of our lives, or at least heavily influences it. So make your first one a good one.
6. It Is More Important Than Sex
Sex is not as big a part in relationships as some couples think. While some researchers claim love is nothing more than a sexual high stimulated by the release of chemicals in the brain, researchers at the University of New York claim that the brain indeed appears to perceive a difference between love and sex. Noting what portion of the brain was active when subjects were given a sexually stimulating photo, subjects were then given a photo of their partner, comparing the difference in brain activity. While a similar portion of the brain was activated while looking at a loved one, it was overlapped by an entirely different portion of the brain, suggesting a more complex (dare I say, important) connection. Love and romance indeed appear to be more important than some scientists give them credit for.
So let's hear it for love! It surrounds our lives, keeps us healthy, happy, faithful, protected, and able to connect and share this wonderful feeling with others. So, don't be stingy ... pass it on
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Thought you'd enjoy this article:
6 Signs you're in a healthy relationship
* by Brett Blumenthal - Sheer Balance, on Tue Mar 9, 2010 6:18am PST
Not long ago, I published an article about six qualities to admire in others, and the response was extraordinary. I prefaced the article by saying that the six I mentioned were by far not an exhaustive list, but included those traits that seemed especially hard to find. In reading all of the comments, however, I was inspired to write a follow-up list that covers some of the other qualities that I, as well as others, believe to be important when looking for friendships and relationships with others.
Our relationships are vital to our mental well-being. However, toxic relationships can really do a number on our happiness and outlook on life. As a result, it is important to look for individuals who possess qualities that allow for healthy relationships. Although, once again, not an exhaustive list, the qualities listed below are those that should be at the very heart of a healthy relationship. And, just as you would expect your friend, family member or loved one to display these qualities, it is just as important to reciprocate.
1. Loyalty: Whether it's in friendships or in family, loyalty is truly important to maintain a healthy relationship. All of us are guilty, at one time or another, of making mistakes, having ups and downs, and even displaying some behavior that we may not always be proud of. When we find friends or loved ones who can forgive us and stand by us…even during our worst moments…we should be especially grateful. That said, loyalty should never be taken for granted and we should always be deeply appreciative when it comes our way.
2. Respect: I once knew an individual who was very opinionated about political topics. She would talk down to people who disagreed with her and would be very disrespectful. Not only did she make people feel stomped on, but she left many disinterested in friendship. Treating others with kindness and the respect they deserve is important in gaining the respect that WE desire. It never feels good to be taken for granted, judged or used and it doesn’t feel good to be talked down to or treated rudely or inappropriately. There will be times that we may not always have full agreement with our friends or loved ones, but respecting them along the way is a must.
3. Unconditionally There: There is nothing worse than having someone always resurface in your life when they are in need, are looking for something or need a favor. In a culture of “you scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours,” it is somewhat rare to find those “who just scratch your back,” period. Finding individuals who want you in their lives just because…and not because they want something in return is refreshing and worth holding on to. Those who are generous of heart are to be treasured!
4. Trustworthy: I once worked with a woman who, within my first week on the job, felt the need to tell me all of the intimate details of the various extra-marital affairs that had occurred with the management of the firm. She was supposedly friends with these people and I have no doubt, was told this information in the most strictest of confidences. How she felt it was appropriate to divulge this information to a new-hire like me, I still have no idea. But, it was her nature to gossip about everyone and everything. If you share something in confidence, you should be able to trust that the information will remain that way.
5. A Genuine Sounding Board: Taking a genuine interest in what others have to say and really listening to someone is important in developing solid relationships. Letting go of the “me, me, me” and focusing on the other person not only makes the other person feel valued and appreciated, but they feel that they can really talk to someone who cares. Those who take the time to really listen to our thoughts and feelings, and then help us work through difficult times and situations, share our lives at a much deeper level than those who don’t. These are individuals worth hanging on to.
6. Dependability: I had a friend who frequently would RSVP to small gatherings and then would never show. They never explained…never brought it up…and never apologized. Although this example is somewhat trivial, it still makes the point. Obviously there are times when things come up that prevent individuals from following through on what they promise, but if a friend, co-worker or family member perpetually drops the ball, they may be sending you a message. If a friend says they are going to do something or be somewhere, you should be able to count on them. And, in reciprocation, they you.
What traits do you look for in a friend or partner? Are your relationships healthy?
6 Signs you're in a healthy relationship
* by Brett Blumenthal - Sheer Balance, on Tue Mar 9, 2010 6:18am PST
Not long ago, I published an article about six qualities to admire in others, and the response was extraordinary. I prefaced the article by saying that the six I mentioned were by far not an exhaustive list, but included those traits that seemed especially hard to find. In reading all of the comments, however, I was inspired to write a follow-up list that covers some of the other qualities that I, as well as others, believe to be important when looking for friendships and relationships with others.
Our relationships are vital to our mental well-being. However, toxic relationships can really do a number on our happiness and outlook on life. As a result, it is important to look for individuals who possess qualities that allow for healthy relationships. Although, once again, not an exhaustive list, the qualities listed below are those that should be at the very heart of a healthy relationship. And, just as you would expect your friend, family member or loved one to display these qualities, it is just as important to reciprocate.
1. Loyalty: Whether it's in friendships or in family, loyalty is truly important to maintain a healthy relationship. All of us are guilty, at one time or another, of making mistakes, having ups and downs, and even displaying some behavior that we may not always be proud of. When we find friends or loved ones who can forgive us and stand by us…even during our worst moments…we should be especially grateful. That said, loyalty should never be taken for granted and we should always be deeply appreciative when it comes our way.
2. Respect: I once knew an individual who was very opinionated about political topics. She would talk down to people who disagreed with her and would be very disrespectful. Not only did she make people feel stomped on, but she left many disinterested in friendship. Treating others with kindness and the respect they deserve is important in gaining the respect that WE desire. It never feels good to be taken for granted, judged or used and it doesn’t feel good to be talked down to or treated rudely or inappropriately. There will be times that we may not always have full agreement with our friends or loved ones, but respecting them along the way is a must.
3. Unconditionally There: There is nothing worse than having someone always resurface in your life when they are in need, are looking for something or need a favor. In a culture of “you scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours,” it is somewhat rare to find those “who just scratch your back,” period. Finding individuals who want you in their lives just because…and not because they want something in return is refreshing and worth holding on to. Those who are generous of heart are to be treasured!
4. Trustworthy: I once worked with a woman who, within my first week on the job, felt the need to tell me all of the intimate details of the various extra-marital affairs that had occurred with the management of the firm. She was supposedly friends with these people and I have no doubt, was told this information in the most strictest of confidences. How she felt it was appropriate to divulge this information to a new-hire like me, I still have no idea. But, it was her nature to gossip about everyone and everything. If you share something in confidence, you should be able to trust that the information will remain that way.
5. A Genuine Sounding Board: Taking a genuine interest in what others have to say and really listening to someone is important in developing solid relationships. Letting go of the “me, me, me” and focusing on the other person not only makes the other person feel valued and appreciated, but they feel that they can really talk to someone who cares. Those who take the time to really listen to our thoughts and feelings, and then help us work through difficult times and situations, share our lives at a much deeper level than those who don’t. These are individuals worth hanging on to.
6. Dependability: I had a friend who frequently would RSVP to small gatherings and then would never show. They never explained…never brought it up…and never apologized. Although this example is somewhat trivial, it still makes the point. Obviously there are times when things come up that prevent individuals from following through on what they promise, but if a friend, co-worker or family member perpetually drops the ball, they may be sending you a message. If a friend says they are going to do something or be somewhere, you should be able to count on them. And, in reciprocation, they you.
What traits do you look for in a friend or partner? Are your relationships healthy?
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