Learning from Stories:

Learning from Stories:

This is a story from the Wicakawi Wiyan Series (A Modern Day Native Woman):
by Beth Corbin

Cade and Vette had been dating only two weeks but already Cade felt Vette might be "the one."  The relationship had been fun with dating 5 out of 7 nights each week; tonight was Wednesday and Cade's night to go out with the guys.

Vette had only asked one request of Cade in the start of their relationship: "never lie; there must always be truth if we are going to trust the other; if you lie, I am done, "she requested.  He agreed.

That Wednesday night the guys went out to a bar and grill had a meal, a couple of beers and laughed and joked most of the night.  Cade had texted Vette a few times that night and from the comments she could tell that maybe he was drinking a few and started questioning him.  The questions bothered Cade and he got a little rude with Vette and seemed to be mad at her.

The guys started teasing Cade for already being wrapped around Vette's finger and the joking continued. At some point they decided to put the joke on Vette.

Vette called Cade back several times trying to get a response since he seemed angry with no response.  She was worried and had hoped he wouldn't drink and drive.  On one last try, a man with an accent answered Cade's phone.

The man with the heavy accent explained he was a cab driver and his last fare left his phone in the seat, "if you hear from him tell him I am already on my next fare but will return his phone," he reasoned.  He continued, "The man was very drunk so he may not know I have his phone until morning." During the comment he said, "hold-on, dispatch is calling my radio," Vette could hear a muffled sound.

About 5-10 minutes later Cade called from a different number, saying it was his work cell, that he had forgotten his phone on the table at the bar and grill, and that his friend would be bringing the phone by later.  Vette told him of the cabby's call; Cade promised her he'd left the phone on the table and his friend's were just playing a joke on her.  Cade said he would get on the guys tomorrow at work for their behavior; taking no responsibility.

A few things kept bothering Vette; then she'd realized Cade had already broken his promise to her by lying.  She was very disappointed knowing Cade chose to lie and that he had made a joke out of her as she had always wanted a man who would stand up in her defense.

She tried to forgive him and their relationship continued another week or 2 more before another incident arose and she couldn't do the drama any longer... Could it have been poetic justice when Vette said another man's name in her sleep and Cade just couldn't get over it, ending it with Vette?

What was the lie(s) and what were the clues that led Vette to the truth of being the joke; can you guess?

1. Cade always wore his phone on his belt, never leaving it behind
2. Would the jokester/cabby have known Cade's password to use the phone without Cade being there or telling him?
3. When Cade had said he was calling from a work cell, Vette had programmed the number as a work number under Cade's name... A few days later she called the number and found the voicemail message of one of Cade's friends and the phone number was not Cade's work cell at all.

What is the moral of this story and what lessons can be learned to better relationships?

Demoralizing Children and Adults

Demoralizing Children and Adults

Beth Corbin

 

De·mor·al·ize:

1.  Cause (someone) to lose confidence or hope; discourage, dispirit

2. Undermine the confidence or morale of; dishearten

3.  Put into disorder; confuse, or upset the normal functioning of

4.  Debase or weaken the morals of; corrupt.

 

What causes a normal, mentally balanced, mature adult to be demoralized? 

 

I posted the definition of demoralize above.  I was recently accused of demoralizing someone when I told them the truth about the nature of their habits.  Then they wanted to sling mud to make up the difference (sad)… but it did get me thinking about the topic.

 

Can a person be demoralized if they are a normal, mentally balanced, mature adult?  Can it happen over night, in one day, one month?  The answer is No. 

 

Demoralization takes repetitiveness in a relationship, such as the workforce boss, a mentally abusive marriage partner, and is often used as a form of “control” in those types of situations.   

 

The people at high risk of falling into this category of being demoralized are people who suffer from psychosocial factors that seem to be involved; like major life stresses, especially separations, losses, and people fighting depression.  People who are already unbalanced mentally or emotionally in some way; do fall into this trap. 

 

Many times the person accusing you of demoralizing them is the one who is “controlling” you or the situation to try and “guilt” you into feeling sorry for them.  There are many people out there that play the victim role and use this tactic.

 

You have authority over yourself, always!  You choose if you are demoralized or not.

 

Children:

More commonly adults can demoralize children; if they are not careful.  Children are still finding their balance in discovering who they are, learning, growing, and are mentally vulnerable.

 

Set proper or realistic expectations, teach your child to set goals, speak encouragement by being specific and using descriptive words about the positives they are doing, teach him/her to do their own positive assessment of themselves, and encourage your child to be resilient by teaching them to solve their own problems and focus on their own strengths, and understanding that mistakes are a normal part of life and are a good thing as long as we are learning a lesson from them to better our self for the next time.

 

You can also support your child’s interests and challenge them to try.  The key is the child knows they always have choices and consequences to the choices they make.  They have authority over what they choose and need to accept the consequence of that choice. 

 

It's not as easy as it sounds and there are outside factors that will influence your children; if all goes well and they grow into a well-rounded, mentally balanced, mature adult… Woo Hoo!

Discover Yourself

Discover Yourself

Beth Corbin

Don’t you just love it when you meet someone and they think they know you right away; or run into someone you haven’t seen in decades and they think they know you, as if the years haven’t given you enlightenment and cognitive development having changed you?  Even worse is the sibling who thinks they know you because you were raised in the same house 30 years ago.

Who really knows you?  Most people today don’t even know themselves.  We live in a fast paced world, fast paced society where people just don’t “think” on his/her own.

My boyfriend and I very recently decided to dissolve our relationship over some of these same reasons.  He would probably disagree with me stating a hundred other excuses; the reality of it was we live in two different worlds and neither of us could bend for the other enough to satisfy our needs… and he thought he knew me in a very short time; did not take the face-to-face time needed to really learn who I was, what I believed, what I loved etc.

The problem with that is if you don’t take the time to get to know someone, then how can you effectively communicate with that person… thus our wall!  We jumped in way too fast though I asked him to slow down… him - only had one speed.  We would argue weekly over stupid stuff and he would not solve it with face-to-face communication; he would rather sling mud in text or E-mail, saying he did not like confrontation, and would twist whatever was said to satisfy his point of view.

As a psychologist you know what to do, but it takes two to have buy-in, and actually work at it.  In my case he would use that against me saying, “You follow your head and not your heart.”

He would send me flowers at work on a regular basis, and he would complain about living out of a suit case for me (which I never asked for).  We would go to Porter’s and listen to loud music, go out to eat, and all that was nice for something to do.  He would tell me 30 times a day he loved me and I was his life and he knew we would be together forever…

The truth is he just did not take the time to know me; he had a preconceived notion as to who I was… even commenting that I was the closest thing he had found to a hippie (which is what he claimed to be), since I walked the Red Road. 

He never took the time for deep conversation, to get me useable things to help my life, like sweeping my floor, washing my car, fixing something around there; don’t even think he used the toilet brush and soap in his bathroom (he did take out the garbage and wash the dishes; which was good).  He did buy me a phone card once which is a good usable gift, but I think that was more out of him not being able to contact me for a few days without it (maybe).  Going to the grocery and the museum was fun with him and the times we laughed were fun.

I enjoyed him and do love him as much as you can love a man who was your boyfriend for a month and a half; will miss him as he doesn’t want contact anymore (all or none); that's too bad because with better communication, and time for him to heal from his past, who knows what roads we could have traveled...  This from a man that thought he knew me; he even thought he was “in love” with me and he felt we were joined as one and meant to be from above (if that were the case he could not just throw things away like that. 

All this is sounding like 50% of the relationships out there you say?

Why does it have to be like that; why can’t people communicate face-to-face, trust, accept, and be faithful, and love a person right where s/he is at?  That is what I want!

A person who knows me; knows I like sharing time with a person, doing things with that person, taking walks, working-out together, a hike, things that are an experience that allow us to become closer as a couple, cleaning house together, going to grocery.    

 

My friend Gerry (who knows me pretty good) is a wonderful man; he lives in New York so we are Skype buddies.  I think we are very open and honest with each other and can talk about anything and everything because of our distance and our agreement that he will never move here, and I will never move there… So, there will never be anything between us as far as a possible future mate.

Gerry gave me some very good advice on the phone one night:  “He said, you are a special, pure heart on this earth; which is a rare find because you cannot tell a lie and do not want to hurt any living thing, and only want to help, and people take advantage of that… so stop it!” 

Gerry said, “You cannot expect people to think act, or react, or be like you.  There is too much negative in the world that influences all of that.  Those men you meet are out of who knows what kinds of relationships and drama, and they bring that drama to you now, and the vicious cycle continues. 

You have been single for a long time and you cocoon yourself for your safety and healing first learn to identify people from all ends of the spectrum and keep them separated because dating is like a job interview.  Discover the real you:  You are the interviewer, you hold the cards.  How you talk, acts, your body language, how you see yourself, men want that.  You have what they want; you are a valuable commodity!  What man in his right mind would send you away, if he loved you or truly understood the real you? 

Now you interview to get what you want.”

Thanks Gerry, for the pep talk and letting me share your advice. 

The really cool thing is Creator is allowing me to see, hear, and understand before I totally jump in head-first. 

Many people get divorced and are so desperate and lonely (but they don’t realize it), that they jump in real quick with the better thing that comes along from where they were before… or jump in with the opposite of what they had before, or… you get the idea!  Then within a year they are in love and within a year and a half are already married again, and within 3-7 years divorced again.  It’s a vicious cycle for not breaking soul ties and not allowing self healing time.

I like to believe:  If you are truly “in love,” and if it is ordained by Creator meaning you are one with Creator and your mate, and all else comes below that oneness… then it will always be so and nothing will tear it apart and you will both be satisfied.

Real love stays and you can’t get over it!

Real love stays and you can’t get over it

~Beth Corbin

I have been counseling about ten years which started in the ministry field but then in 2005 received a Masters in Counseling and also did secular counseling. I have also “lived” life and had some learning experiences (where you learn the hard way).

It’s great to share your experiences in hopes someone can learn from your mistakes and not face the same consequences; many times a person does have to go through the ordeal themselves to understand.

Everything boils down to “understanding;” which helps lead you to some form of wisdom. I am a spiritual person and pray about everything; talking to Creator as if he is my best friend sitting right here next to me. I feel everything is spiritual in nature and there are no coincidences… and the best gift we can give others is our time, energy, and efforts.

Recently I met a wonderful man and we quickly became friends. He had only been divorced four or five months; seemed to be an honest man with good qualities and I really enjoyed hanging-out and doing things with him. The problem was he thought he fell in love with me right away.

I have read some stories over the years and met some people who had wonderful relationships that started with love at first sight, or they thought they knew within days that particular person was the one they were to spend the rest of their life with, but I had a hard time with that idea in my own situation (and you will know why in a moment).

I felt I cared for him and felt if he was the person he claimed to be, the possibility of love could be there. I felt blessed to have met him and was getting to know him and so loved him as much as you can love someone in only knowing them for two weeks. He felt I was running from his love because I was afraid to be in love again.

What was disturbing me? I was seeing in him, what I had gone through 10 years earlier: I had been with my husband fifteen years, we divorced and I was in some sort of culture shock. Divorce is like a death that you cannot properly grieve because your former mate is not dead. It makes one feel lonely; like they have an empty hole; you are just hurting and don’t realize it.

I tried to fill my void/hole by falling in love and jumping from the frying pan right into the fire. I was afraid to be alone at that time and was desperate, but didn’t know it, didn’t realize I had a problem at all. Within 20 months I was married to the guy I fell for after my divorce and that was the biggest mistake of my life. I didn’t take the time I needed to heal… to find out who I was… as I paired myself, using desperate measures to not be alone (keep in mind, this is all hind-sight, in learning from my bad choices/experiences). What a mess that was and lead to another divorce.

I have been taught through experience and through the elder’s teachings: Even if it was a miserable marriage with much drama a person needs at least a year to grieve that loss. During that time they should be alone to learn or rediscover who they are again.

In getting balanced and focused again, a person can’t fill your hole by being “in love” after only two weeks. It has taken me four or five years to really heal and become a well balanced person who is actually happy. I am not lonely and enjoy my peaceful, calm life.

I share freely, the knowledge I have learned from receiving different degrees, life experiences, and spiritual insights from this path I am on and I don’t ask for anything in return. I treat others respectfully and expect respectful behaviors in return.

I believe the basis for love in all relationships is a strong foundation in friendship first. So, don't rush it friends... you will be blessed in the end by taking things at a slower pace.

Besides, if you are truly “in love;” if the spirits have put you together, if God/Creator paired you… then nothing can change that and you will not ever stop loving that person, period; and you will not be able to walk away from it. Real love stays and you can’t get over it.

A note to my friend: I understand where you are at; I was there too; though everyone experiences things a little differently. I care about you and a year from now you will be a new person if you can just spend time with yourself and not depend on another person to fill your void. You are in my thoughts and prayers and are always welcome as my friend and in our circle for learning. The choice is yours; either way I wish you the best in each new day.