Sex is not the right answer!

Sex is not the right answer!

Elizabeth Corbin

Intimacy is what all relationships really need and is the driving force for women to feel fulfilled in a relationship.  What is intimacy?

I’ve been dating and it is interesting what some men think about intimacy.  Many single men over forty (that I have talked to) think women their age are damaged goods; not seeing or realizing (as men) their own flaws, damage, or baggage.  If you think about it, isn’t it a miracle to have managed to get to 40 without some sort of damage from life experiences? 

Basically it sounds like most men I interviewed think intimacy is sex, which floored me because I thought as men aged they would be more mature in those experiences.  However, those men were either never married or had been divorced so maybe they had never learned the concept yet and that may be why they were in that position (that may be another article).

I believe in all things there must be a balance.  Respect and intimacy is the foundation that holds the balance together in any relationship… and that is what you build your trust on as a couple. 

Here is a mental image of the hierarchy or levels in your life for well-balanced relationships: 

Most important is on top

(1) Spirit, being Creator/God, or your higher power and which you are directly connected to.

(2) You are the second level, and as you and your spouse are connected, 2 becomes one unit as joined with the God head.  You can hold the same respect to her as you do yourself (providing you are truly connected in a trusting intimate relationship).  You make loving decisions together and in true love you always stand-up for your spouse first (above all else), respecting her as you respect yourself under God.

(3) The third level consist of children under 12 as they need you to provide basic survival needs, and love to them as their character traits are still forming.

(4) The people you choose as your family unit, the ones you trust, the ones that have good values or are like minded with you… might be adopted family best friends, parents, or children over 12; depending on your love and respect for them and their love and respect for you. 

(5) All others; keep in mind this level could interchange with the 4^th level as you become close to people and let them into your life more fully with trust.  Can consist of the following: cousins, uncles, friends, work relations, neighbors, and acquaintances

If number 2 does not happen, this is where marriages fail and I am not just talking about divorce here; there are many failed relationships that never divorce they just stay together and settle for being miserable for whatever reason (usually until the kids get a certain age; then they feel to old to move on).    

I feel it's like seeing and experiencing the beauty that is there and being a helpmate in working out the repairs that need to be made... That damage is part of who they have become and there may be beauty and wisdom in that.

Look at society: We honor nonsense like being tough mentally even though we know that kind of toughness breeds addictions and mental instability.  Sadly we encourage behavior such as not mourning at a funeral.  It’s kind of a sad prison, society has built and most people don't have the loving foundation to break-free; it is not easy.

Our elders teach us being gentle is stronger than being physically tough.  Really being strong is forcing your heart and mind to deal openly with subjects that one would rather bury, to open the door to expressing feelings and being the type of partner who openly accepts someone as they are… a much harder road.  What a gift that would be, indeed, to have a partner like that!

I know very few relationships; even the ones that have been together for many years that can say they have that experience with their partner.  Most just say, we stayed together for the kids or we stayed together because in those days that is what you did. 

The main benefit of marriage is intimacy, the greater the intimacy the vastly more fulfilling marriage is and without intimacy I don’t really see the point of marriage and one is probably better off single.

Some men I have talked to and will not be dating again have a hard time seeing intimacy as anything but sex, and there are so many intimate situations they miss out on because of not understanding this.

·                    Intimacy is a private closeness that forms a bond or attachment. 

·                    Intimacy is emotional support and personal support, standing up for your partner, period. 

·                    Intimacy is confiding in one mate to the point of being vulnerable and for them to reciprocate the same. 

·                    Intimacy is being able to share hidden information that you would not share with others, confidentially. 

·                    Intimacy is actually involving yourself with each other, having someone “know you” inside and out and loving you for who you are. There is nothing in this world better than that!  It means you have to pay attention to her/him, and get to know each other on a deeper level, which takes time, communication, and effort in spending time together…

·                    and yes, Intimacy is also a physical relationship involving sex; it is the smaller part.  This is why for a woman if a man deceives her by lying, withholding the truth, or confiding in another woman, the intimacy is broken.  So, it is not okay to take another woman on dates and spend your hard earned money on someone else… even if you think oral sex is not really sex (inside comment for Doug and Clinton)… It is still breaking the intimacy you had with your partner!

This is why relationships today don’t last; no one wants to take the time or energy to really know someone or make the commitment to do that over the years with steadfast support.  Most people want a quick fix, just like everything else in society (Fast, quick, now, convience).

Going back to the damage I mentioned earlier:  In a communicative and trusting relationship, it may be good to "explore the damage", when everything is out in the open and the person is still accepted for being who they are, it allows for greater intimacy (if you as a couple are to that level).  After being together for years a couple can delve into their sexual past which quite frankly might be a struggle but with forgiveness and openness will find more closeness than before, even some liberation to the fact that the secrets of the past can no longer condemn them or make barriers in the current relationship. 

It is my hope to someday find a partnership that loving and liberating as well in a helpmate.  I know you have to build a relationship in the first place before trying this and then there is the fact that so few people reach levels of connectedness to get to that point.

So, blurting out that kind of information in the beginning of a new relationship can lead to the destruction of the relationship since there is no trust for the openness to work through it (which is one mistake I have made in the past, thinking an open book was better than secrets… and men would run away thinking I wanted them to marry me right away.  I have to laugh at that now; I didn’t know any better at the time. Openness needs trust so fear and rejection can’t rear its ugly head.

For those that have been married, realizing that your partner is not the same person s/he was five or ten years ago (due to life experiences) this will help you support him/her in being the person they are now.  That support is part of intimacy.  Remember, always put your partner first, right up there with yourself… and all other people are below you (even your children) on the next level down…this is intimacy.  I know some of you will bulk at the children being on the next level down, but if you and your partner have a like mind and concern for your children that is the way it is supposed to be.    

The rewards are great with a much more loving relationship than you ever thought possible!