Help the Children after the Divorce! By Elizabeth Corbin

Let the divorce be final and allow the children the benefit of two households, two sets of parties, two sets of families, etc. That is one of the benefits for divorced kids and they look forward to it; don’t come together and combine their parties, spend time sitting and having dinner at your ex-wife’s house, or having a “family” night when you are no longer a family. It may save you money but it racks havoc on the children’s emotional well-being. Children always hope their biological parents will reunite and they can all be one big happy family, so every time you come together you are giving them a false hope.

In my practice I see so many kiddos after holidays, birthdays, and family days who are disappointed and it takes weeks of strategies to help them recover and cope from well meaning parents who for whatever reason feel they need to keep some string attached to their ex-spouse.

I have seen several possible reasons parents choose to do this to their kids/families: 1. Romanticism- just like wanting the children to believe in Santa as long as you can, because it is cute or fun for you; you are the one not wanting to completely let go of the past and move forward. 2. Guilt- not wanting to believe everything has changed and you may have been the cause of it, or you let the kids down by not holding the marriage together, etc. 3. Immaturity- Adults that haven’t matured past a certain level; wanting to appear they are doing this for the kids. 4. Passive- The parent that goes along with whatever the controlling parent says for fear of causing added drama.

Once a family is split, they need to remain split unless mom and dad have decided to be a couple again and really work on being one productive unit. Once the divorce is final you are not “one unit” any longer; are two. There is nothing wrong with living as two units and showing the kids they can enjoy some benefits of having two families… I would not advise a man to go to his ex-wife’s house or her family for any gatherings, nor would I advise a woman to go to her ex-husband’s for the kid’s birthday party. It is far better for a child to have a birthday or Christmas at each house.

So what if one parent makes more money than the other and you can’t offer to spoil the child as much as your ex-spouse? Communication is the key and if you are upfront and honest about communicating things, and you have raised a mature individual in your child s/he will eventually see and understand you did the best you could with what you had for his/her well-being.

It takes weeks to help a child recover and learn coping strategies from disappointment on high hopes parents will reconsolidate every time they see those two spend time together.

In addition to all the disappointment you cause the children by trying to combine things, you also create a barrier for the new relationship in your life; that’s if you have someone. You may not be able to keep a new relationship going if you spend your time at your ex-spouses place. Most people will be happy for you allowing them to be part of your family as long as you are not dragging the baggage of their biological mother/father along with you.